After whipping up an exquisite meal of salmon loaf with a side of weenie-beenie casserole, any good housewife of days past would make sure she always looked her best for her manly bread winner when he came home from a hard day of work.  Here's a few beauty and diet tips from some ladies who weren't afraid to brush their hair 1,000 strokes nightly or live on chicken bouillon to fit into a perfect size 5.

 

Pignatelli, Princess Luciana et al; The Beautiful People's Beauty Book. McCall Publishing Co. New York. 1970.
Voss, Jane and Kent; Shed Pounds with cocktails and gourmet fare. Pocket Books, New York. 1965.
Kordell, Lelord; Eat Your Troubles Away. World Publishing Co., Cleveland. 1965.
Avedon, Luciana et al; The Beautiful People's Diet Book. Saturday Review Press, New York. 1973.
Dengel, Veronica; Personality Unlimited: The Beauty Blue Book. John C. Winston Co., Philadelphia. 1943.

*new* Blinn, Johna, Illust. By Mel Mann: Celebrity Cookbook. Playmore Inc., 1981

*new*A link to the Princess Luciana Appreciation Society

Vintage Hair

 

Princess Luciana Pignatelli (Princess of where is never really established) collected these pearls of wisdom from her high brow social circle of rich bulimic plumbing eroders and pill popping beach trolls - circa 1970.  In between blowing their elderly multi millionaire husbands and shtupping the pool boy, these philanthropic angels of Olay took the time to bless us, the Average American Midwestern Fatty, with the magical knowledge that got them the keys to the kingdom.

º "It does not matter what you start with, try to get by on nature alone past 30 and you are finished."

º "In my ex-husband's house, everyone was unhappy, even the parrot.  It was my fault, too.  With two strong personalities, either you pull together or you destroy each other.  What does this have to do with beauty?  Lots!"

º"Every woman over 30 needs a homosexual in her life."

º"For protection midsummer when the sun is strongest, I try to keep my face in the shade.  Last year in Sardinia, where we all ended up nude on a deserted beach, I put my bikini on my face."

º"...the rage a few years ago with the chic Paris homosexuals, is this:  Take the white of one egg, a teaspoon of the best olive oil, beat, and apply for 20 minutes.  Remove with hot face towel, lace trim optional."

º"...with an active life, one tries to keep hair so simple that it can be washed at home if necessary."

º"As for split ends, I twist as much hair at a time as will go around a finger, then quickly singe the ends that stick out and will not twist, with a lit candle."

º Chapter 5: Have a Lift

º"I understand that there is a Paris doctor who does eyelash implants.  Next time I go to Paris, I intend to look into it."

º"...not always sitting with her legs crossed.  (You tend to cross your legs with the same one always on top.  In the long run, the inner thigh of the under leg gets flabby as a result.)"

º" As for losing weight, Waldner suggests that the best times are when the moon is in Taurus or the sun is in an Earth sign."

º Beauty by astrological sign: Aries - "must have frequent dental check ups"; Taurus - "should marry man of means"; Gemini - "often the face is too long or the nose is too long or big"; Cancer - "tends to be lazy about beauty and should be encouraged to make the effort"; Leo - if ambitions not fulfilled, can have difficult menopause"; Virgo - "Remains surprisingly youthful despite hypochondriac tendency"; Libra - "rarely gets fat"; Sagittarius - "is torn between bright, amusing men who are good talkers and her desire for a solid social position";  Scorpio - "hypersexual and often attracted to men who are her inferiors"; Capricorn - "always well turned-out and insists on quality in clothes"; Aquarius - "often slightly neurotic and with fragile health"; Pisces - "feet are weak point and pedicures essential"

 


These two came up with the best diet plan ever, as far as I'm concerned.  Just look at the title, for God's sake!!  Unless you're in AA or a member of the Southern Baptist Church - how can you go wrong?  This was designed for those who have "stopped smoking" and those who have "an absolute minimum of will power". It's also a low carb diet (with a generous portion of hootch included), and the authors say right in the pretext that this concept is "nothing new", and "I used this method in 1942!"  Dr. Atkins didn't invent shit..
.

Cheese Puffs

Beat 3 egg whites until stiff but not dry, seasoning with a little pinch of cayenne and scant 1/4 tsp salt.  Stir in about 2 ounces of Parmesan cheese, mixing thoroughly.  Drop by teaspoonful into hot fat (1 cup corn oil in a small skillet).  AS puffs cook very quickly, it is usually necessary to turn them over with tongs.  Put in aluminum foil and store them in refrigerator or freezer, and heat just before serving.

 A later printing of this book had the cartoon image of a stick thin woman, bee hived and throwing her hands toward Heaven in pure, skinny glee - a toothy smile sparkling from the page like so many diamonds.  I guess Lelord's stern and icy glare was not helping book sales.

From Chapter 4, "Only a Creep Drugs Himself to Sleep": "I recommended that she purchase immediately high-potency organic calcium-mineral tablets and start taking them about one-half hour before she retired, swallowing them with a glass of buttermilk... if the problem persisted, these "nature's lullaby pills", could be taken every hour, without ill effect."  Mmm.  Big glass of sleepy time buttermilk.

From Chapter 8, "Man! You Can Be Virile At Any Age!": "Men seeking 'aphrodisiac foods' find the meats of mature animals and fish stimulating to sexual powers.  The strong tasting aromatic vegetables such as celery, parsnips, onions, and asparagus stimulate some people almost as much as mushrooms."  "The vitamin D in sunshine contributes to that 'June spoon-moon" cycle of romance.  To substitute in the winter months for this outdoor stimulant for sexual appetites, you can eat sunflower seeds, or the fatty fish: tuna, salmon, sardines."  Ladies, watch out if your frisky hubby is eating a big plate of sardines and parsnips!

 

What do we have here?  Princess Luciano Pignatelli came out of retirement to bless us with another fine volume of her wisdom for the poor, fat and pimpled!  This book, for those of us whose genes aren't quite so fabulously Italian, tan, blonde, and bony, begins with the immortal words: "There are the cheetahs of this world, and the hippopotami."

º "The beautiful people eat well and they are not fat."

º"'If you can stay on vegetable bouillon one day a week, it's marvelous for you', says Françoise de la Renta, wife of Oscar, the New York fashion designer.  "You drink three quarts in twenty-four hours, preferably while resting, because lying down makes it more diuretic.'"

º"...when you walk, you pretend you have a gold coin between your buttocks."

º"You see, I'm very gourmande, which means I should be given all the more credit for not getting fat."

º"I am a mineral water fiend, like most beautiful people..."

º"Even the airlines, while insisting that their flight personnel keep trim, do not dare weigh in passengers along with their baggage, though I think that would be a lovely idea.  Why should I have to pay for thirty pounds of excess baggage when the man next to me does not pay a cent for his fifty pounds of excess flesh?"

º"...the Simeons diet, which consists of 500 strictly balanced calories plus one injection per day of human chorionic gonadotropin, a substance extracted from the urine of pregnant women."

º"For heightened perception without drugs plus rapid weight loss, nothing beats the oldest known treatment for obesity: total starvation."

And finally, there is an entire chapter devoted to not allowing your infant children to become "little fatsoes".  I won't even go there.

 

Mae West claimed in the “Celebrity Cookbook” that her father was a boxer who kept a gym in their house, and that she was taught clean living. She didn’t drink or smoke, and swore by purified “Poland Water” and carrot juice. She washed her hair and face in bottled water.

Joan Crawford crowed in 1966, “I never eat bread, butter, potatoes, or desserts, because I learned a long time ago not to eat things that would put on weight.”

Gloria Swanson’s Potassium Broth

“(Gloria’s) tonic for a natural cleanser, called potassium broth, she prepares from unsprayed vegetables, flown in from California. ‘Drink the broth every few hours, hot or cold’, she said. “It tastes sweet, as all the natural flavors of the food come out. It’s one of the best cleaners I know.”

String beans, chopped
Outer green stalks of celery, chopped
Zucchini, chopped
Few leaves Swiss chard, chopped
Spring or mountain water

Wash the vegetables. For every 2 c of water, add 1 c chopped vegetables. Do not use tap water. Cover and cook in a glass pan or a pressure cooker until celery is tender. Allow to cool to room temperature. Drain liquid into large screw top glass jar and refrigerate.
 

 

 

Beauty tips and tricks from Personality Unlimited by Veronica Dengel

       

#1,#2 Hair-robics; #3 a graceful workout; #4,#5 masturba... er, Sitz Bath

from "Styles & Stylists", Pam Fernandez, ed.

The "Hat Weave"

"Pep, The Swiss Fashion for Men"

The "Bo Derek"

 

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